It has been a strange, full, emotional month.

Firstly, we saw our baby and heard his/her heartbeat last Wednesday. It is odd; with DD I “new” so much about her right away: I knew I was pregnant before I was late, I knew she was a girl as soon as that stick had two lines instead of one, I knew she would come early, and I was fairly confidant she would be a lefty. When I went into labor a month early it did not even occur to me to be worried about it--I knew (in the way that a mother has intuition about these things) that I could trust myself and her and it would all be okay.
This time I know nothing. I had none of the early signs I had with DD (that I did not know were early signs at the time). In fact I can still drink coffee and stay up till midnight (with DD both things were impossible). Boy? Girl? DD has been praying for a girl for months, and she only wants a girl, but as for me “knowing”--not at all.
All this to say, hearing the heartbeat, and especially seeing that little sprouted-lima bean who will be my kid, made it all so very *real*. It went from being a knowledge I carried in my head to one that had meandered down to my heart. DD was a fanatic excitement. This one is a comfortable knowledge. I am not excited, I am not sad, I am not much of any extreme in emotion: I just am. Perhaps this comes from *knowing* what I am getting myself into! The amazing over-the-moon things and the terrible suck-y I-just-want-to-quit things.
All this pregnancy stuff has made me crazy tired, crazy spacey, and crazy homesick. Crazy homesick. I’m feeling all nest-y, and nothing about our apartment is nest-inducing. So we tried to look for a new home-base. Ugh. Awful. Tiring, time-consuming, and frustrating. On the up-side, seeing the other nasty dumps we could afford (in not so awesome neighborhoods) made me have a whole new appreciation for where we live. It may look like dusk during a thunderstorm all day long in our current apartment, but at least I don’t think the place will collapse on me, it is not nasty, and the neighborhood we live in seriously cannot be beat. Maybe I will need to get a sun lamp or take up fake-baking for the winter in order to stave off depression. Lots of vitamin D supplements. Daily required walks, no matter how cold. Something.
I miss my sister. One more month until she comes for Thanksgiving. I think I can make it until then.
DD had her first ballet lesson! You should have seen all of us nutty parents! You would think all of our three-year-olds were graduating from medical school! The videos being recorded! The pictures being taken! The dads and moms taking time off of work to see them! It really was absurdly cute, all these little girls in their full ballerina regalia, so excited to begin that they were literally hopping in anticipation. I didn’t know it was a drop-off class, so that was a bummer (we wanted to watch, and DH took off work for the occasion), and I was afraid that DD would have a difficult time *listening* and *following directions.* But from what I could see when I peered through the tiny window into the room (I didn’t have anything better to do; next time I will bring a book or something) they were having a blast and DD was doing quite well for herself. As her auntie says, she has the music in her, and it is true.
We also had a house-guest, which, as always, is wonderful and exhausting. This was especially good for DH as it was his BFF, and his current job schedule leaves little time for meeting new people and building new relationships from scratch. We had a great time but are now left to get our equilibrium back. My writing habit is gone to pot and must be resurrected, along with nap times (so that I can do said writing).
On a sad note, I have received quite a bit of very upsetting news from friends this week. One college friend lost his wife several weeks after the birth of their baby, leaving him to father two tiny babies (one adopted) alone. My heart broke at the news and I have been praying for those three several times per day. Any time I think of one of my babies or my husband I am nearly in tears for him.
Another couple friend of ours just suffered a still-birth. Damn.
I cannot conceive the pain of these losses, and I beg for God’s healing, wisdom, comfort, protection, and love, and love, and grace, and mercy, and comfort.
I know that this kind of pain does not just go away, nor should anyone expect it to. But I do know that it is much better to cry surrounded by strong, loving arms than to cry alone. And that is what I pray for for these families: that they will feel the strong, loving arms around them, and that they will be free to cry.
All this death surrounding birth gives a pregnant lady a lot to ponder.

The Ballad of America

I don't know what I would do by myself,
but I know that I don't need you anymore--

I killed these dreams all by myself.

I don't know how to live anymore
making dreams open up like a flower.

I abandon them to rot in the ground.

Maybe I will sculpt them out of stone,
then maybe when I'm old I can take them off the shelf.

Will I recognize them anymore?

Just dust them off, polished up, spit-shined.
Then maybe I will do what I was destined for.

I killed these dreams all by myself.


some new lyrics I thought I would share. the music needs finessing, but DH liked this quite a bit.

Snow Falls Softly

The snow is falling
lovely and light
like millions of mourning doves
preparing to alight
on olive boughs extending
heavenwards
in peace and hope.

The snow falls softly over the City
muffling the hustle and bustle
like the murmur of a mother
speaking words of
love and hope
over her sleeping child.

The snow fills my heart
with magic and wonder
as I sit here, whispering words
of hope and wonder
over my sleeping child,
here at the feet
of the quited City.

picture updates

Me and my DD @ her friend's bday party


love the face!


Birthday Boy in his DH-made hat and mittens by me


My family at Thanksgiving. (Norwegian sweater by me)

Must... Get... Hemp... Yarn!

I just found out that yarn made from hemp gets softer with every machine wash/dry, never pills (the sweater I just finished is already pilling! grrr), and requires NO herbicides/pesticides to produce! So it's eco-friendly, easy-care, and the results are beautiful for a lifetime? Sign me up! My thoughtcicles are already melting at all the brainstorming going on....

The smallest people have the biggest parites....

Today was one of the DD's little friend's 2nd birthday party. Only in NYC would I be invited to a birthday party at 10 am on a Sunday! We had a good time though. I really like the little friend's parents and the DD and her little friend get on like peas and carrots, despite the one-year age gap. This party was much more low-key than the last two-year-old New Yorker's birthday party we went to, but not nearly as low-key as the DD's is going to be!

We ended up taking a nice long walk up to Columbia University after, until the DD feel asleep. Got an amazing latte at the first not-Starbuck's I've come across up here.

FINALLY put away the Christmas decorations! The DD could not understand why on earth I would put away Baby Jesus, lol.

The DH is at a pub watching the Vikings game. He has even bought a Favre jersey. Who is this rogue and what has he done with the man I married? I hope they win!

Hot Chocolate, Butterflies, and Boutiques

Got up early with DD; we were at the park (via scooter) by 8 am! Normally an 'early' day would be 10 or 11, and often I don't leave the apartment until 3 or 4, which is not good when it is nearly dark out at that time!
NYC is a very different place in the morning! All the dogs were out scampering about. It was actually very beautiful; the air was that ultra-clear air that comes when it is very, very cold. We made it all the way to Hippo Park, and DD wanted to, of course, stop and play, but there were no other kids and she got bored. Having her stop moving was a terrible idea; she didn't dress warmly enough (read: she refused to and I needed to get her out of the house--I didn't know it was so cold!) DD started having fits: she wanted me to carry her and her scooter from 90th st (plus I twisted my ankle carrying her, screaming, from the playground to the street), so I carried her--I tried not to but she refused to move and was waking up the whole street--straight to Broadway and we ended up going to Le Pain Quotidian so that she could warm up. I learned my lesson: must continue to bring stroller, no matter how much I don't want to schlep it around, until she can make it to our destination and back consistently. *Sigh*

DH met us at the cafe (with the stroller!) and we had a nice time. Scones, Belgian hot chocolate, and waffles. Mmmmm. I know that place is a local chain, but that ambiance is so nice--almost addicting. I started to fantasizes about getting the same tables...
After nap we went to the Natural History Museum just for the Butterfly exhibit DD has been clamoring for for ages. Last night I told her we could go, she got a confused, excited look on her face and said, "We'd better get going!" When I told her that the Museum was closed and that I meant tomorrow she started to cry, poor kid.
Anyway, the exhibit was amazing! So fun. We went into a special room designed so that the butterflies could not escape and were surrounded by the hot, tropical air and huge, tropical butterflies. It was called a "Vivarium"--I supposed like a terrarium with animals. My personal favorites were the Blue Morphos--absolutely stunning. DD and I both got a kick out of one landing on my head! She was more interested on spraying water on everything for the butterflies to drink, silly kid.
We got hot dogs (so gross, so yummy) and went to Central Park after the museum closed. It was twilight, but still we went across the street to the Diana Ross playground, the first place I ever took DD, when we came to NYC that first time for DH's interview. We spent most of two days there. Ah, memories.
DH and I have such a good time just walking around the city together. I could do it everyday. We went past a boutique that DD refused to move on from. The lady in the boutique ended up opening the door for her and giving her a necklace. Sheesh. That kid is too cute for her own good. We ended up spending quite a bit of time there. She was having a ball making everyone there fancy--me, daddy, the two ladies working the floor. She has interesting tastes, but is amazingly good at co-ordinating. Perhaps she will be the host of a show like What Not to Wear someday?

2010, Resistance, and resolutions

2010 Came in with a bang at our place! Not really. We "celebrated" by watching three episodes of LOST while knitting (yes, DH was knitting, too--a cowl for me! Yay!) and enjoying some really good wine. THEN we got to really celebrate by changing the linens on our bed where the DD, who was completely wrecked by the excitement of the last two days, had a bit of an accident. Very unlike her, but most kids her age are still in diapers, so I really can't complain.

We had a wonderful Christmakah miracle here! We were gearing up to have our first Christmas without friends and family. I was trying not to let it get to me, look at it as the beginning of our family's own traditions rather than on being far away from everyone we love. The Wednesday morning before Christmas I got a call from my sister. She was stranded at Chicago O'Hare. No planes to MSP due to weather. Could she try to get her tickets transfered to NYC? Duh! She was in building being knocked over by her very excited nice by 2 pm. We loved having her for four short days!

My sister, the DH and I had a really great discussion during her visit about our goals for 2010. Many of my goals have to do with this great book I just read called "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield. I highly recommend it. It is the type of book that came at just the right time, creating a perfect storm and, I think, changing my life. Creating a shokabuku of sorts (I'm not going to even try to spell that). 2010 is the year that I will be conscious of, and fight, Resistance. I've already started to write again. I feel like a new person. I'm doing my 'work.' Even if it doesn't matter to anyone but me (and God), it matters to me (and my relationship with God and others). Therefore it is paramount.

I get so frustrated with the mundane in life. I am an ENFP and suspect I've got a little ADD thrown into the mix. All this to say, I'm not one for repetitious tasks, or the mundane. I'd rather die. Any time I am doing the daily same-old same-old I can't shake the feeling that I am watching my life waste away before my very eyes. But when I get my work done (understand, I mean the work I was made to do, not the myriad things on my to-do list), it makes me feel like the whole day was worth living, dishes and all. The tedious becomes less tiresome.

I want to be more deliberate. More deliberate in my 'work'--my art. More deliberate in my marriage--not letting things slide, letting inertia take over. Making sure to 'date' my DH, even when there is little time or money--picnics in the living room, whatever it takes. More deliberate in my relationship with the Monkey. She is exhausting, and she is wonderful. I can't afford to miss it. I can't afford to miss any of it. Here is to embracing and seizing. And Grace. Always, always, Grace.

Much love and peace to you in 2010. I have a feeling it's going to rock.

Usually the New Year seems arbitrary to me, but this year is different.